||Little Ernie is at
the zoo with his teacher, Miss Goodbody, and the entire class. They are touring around
when Ernie sees a deer peacefully grazing on some grass."
Ernie, can you tell us the name of that animal?" asks Miss Goodbody, pointing to the
deer."Well," says Ernie, "I think it is a... I guess it is a..."
"Let me give you a hint," interrupts Miss Goodbody. "What does your mother
call your father every morning?" "Oh, right!" shouts Ernie. "It is an
Little Albert's mother cannot bring herself to tell the little boy that his dog, Laddy,
has just been run over by a car and killed.
When Albert comes home from school she talks of other things for a few minutes, but
finally, she says, "Albert, listen. Laddy has been run over and killed by an
"Oh!" says the boy, and goes out to play, whistling.
At dinner, Little Albert asks, "Hey, Mom, where is Laddy?"
"Darling," says his mother, "I told you this afternoon: Laddy has been
killed by a car."
Suddenly, Albert bursts into tears.
"But Albert," cries his mother, "when I told you this afternoon, it did not
seem to bother you."
"No," sniffs Albert, "it didn't -- because I thought you said Daddy!"
Little Albert's Uncle Tony owns a sex shop and every day after school, Little Albert
drops by to visit him.
One afternoon, Albert walks through the door and Uncle Tony says, "Hi, kid. Can you
look after the store for a few minutes while I run out to the post office?"
Sure, Uncle," replies Albert, and sets his school things on the counter. Tony leaves
and a few minutes later, three nuns walk in.
The nuns are a little embarrassed to see a kid running the store, but they are desperate.
"How much for that big, pink dildo?" whispers the first nun.
"Ten dollars," replies Little Albert, confidently. "Batteries not
"I will take it," says the nun, as she is pushed aside by the next nun.
"How much for that huge, bright purple one?" whispers the second nun.
"Twenty dollars," replies Albert. "Batteries not included."
"I will take it sonny," snaps the second nun. "And put it in a plain brown
Then the third nun looks around nervously and says, "Sonny, how much for that big
black and red plaid one?"
"That one is not for sale," says Albert.
"Come on kid!" snaps the nun. "I will pay any price for that big one."
"Okay, lady," says Albert. "Fifty dollars!"
"I will take it," says the nun, and the three of them leave the shop.
A few minutes later, Uncle Tony comes back from the post office.
"How did it go?" he asks. "Any business?"
"Sure, Uncle Tony," says Little Albert. "Three nuns came in and I sold the
first one a dildo for ten dollars. The second nun bought one for twenty dollars. And you
won't believe this," continues Albert. "The last nun paid fifty dollars for my
A patient in the hospital accidentally has a bowel movement in his bed. Not wanting the
nurses to find out, he bundles up the sheet and throws it out of the window.
It lands on Kowalski, who is walking in the street below. After a fierce struggle Kowalski
disentangles himself from the sheet and goes into a bar to calm his nerves.
"My god," says the bartender, "you stink!"
"You would too," replies Kowalski, "if you had just beaten the shit out of
One day Lupo is walking home when he notices a huge gorilla standing on the roof of his
Not knowing what to do about it he looks in the phone book under GORILLA REMOVALS. Then he
calls up Kowalski's Get Lost Gorilla Service and explains the situation.
Ten minutes later Kowalski arrives with a banana, a bulldog, a butterfly net, a ladder and
a loaded gun.
"Okay," says Kowalski, "it is quite a simple thing. I am gonna throw the
banana at the gorilla, and while he is busy eating it, I am gonna climb up the ladder and
push him off the roof.
"Then the bulldog is trained to grab him by the nuts, and when the gorilla holds
himself in pain, you throw this butterfly net over him."
"Great!" shouts Lupo, with enthusiasm.
"But what about the gun?"
"Well," explains Kowalski, "if I miss the gorilla and fall off the roof
myself, you shoot the dog!"
It is a few nights after Christmas. The door of the stable creaks open and three wise men
They are tiptoeing quietly across to the manger when one of them steps into a huge pile of
Looking down at his ruined golden slipper, the wise man clenches his teeth and mutters,
Mary looks from her baby to her husband, "Hey! Joe!" she says, "that's a
much better name than Albert!"
-The Pope arrives at New Delhi airport, on the first leg of his ten-million-dollar
Catholic mission to the East.
He steps off the plane and immediately falls to his knees weeping, and then kisses the
Cardinal Singh, the head of the Indian Catholic church, rushes up to the Pope and helps
him to his feet.
"My goodness, Holy Father!" cries the cardinal. "Why did you do that?"
"Well," says the Pope, wiping his lips, and drying his eyes. "Have you ever
flown Air India?"
Father Fumble is giving confession one day, when Seamus comes in and tells him that he has
been having an affair.
"I see," says Fumble, "but I cannot bless you until you tell me the woman's
"Okay, Father," replies Seamus. "She's the most gorgeous blonde you have
ever seen -- and her name is Pussy Green."
The next Sunday, Father Fumble is getting ready for mass when a stunning blonde in a tiny
skirt wiggles down the aisle to the front seats.
Father Fumble fumbles for his glasses, slips them on, and takes a good look at her.
"Is that Pussy Green?" he whispers to little Albert, the choir boy.
Albert looks hard this way and that.
"No, Father," he replies, "I think it is just the reflection from the
Loony Larry is wobbling home from the pub along the railway tracks. It is a fullmoon
night, and Larry is well plastered with rum.
All of a sudden, he trips over a human leg lying on the tracks. He picks himself up, rubs
his eyes in disbelief, and staggers on.
A few minutes later, he stumbles over another leg lying on the tracks. Next, he comes
across an arm. By now, Looney Larry has become really interested, and when he sees a body,
he stops to have a good look at it.
Walking around the body, he scratches his chin, and mumbles to himself, "That coat
looks rather familiar! I wonder if it is..." But just then, he steps backwards and
falls over a head.
He stares in drunken shock at the head, recognizing the face of his friend, Harry. Then,
Larry sees an ear lying on the ground a few feet away. He crawls over to the ear, picks it
up, and shouts into it, "Harry! Harry! Are you alright?"